OK you gutless punks, you've had this coming for a long time and now, you're gonna get it. Time to pay the piper, you miserable freaks. Oh, excuse me! I should explain. We've been doing some research into boosting site engagement, and it turns out the quickest way to engage people is to abuse and threaten them. We've also been reading up on seduction techniques - frankly, I wanted to try these out first, but the genAI poltergeist in my phone camera keeps misidentifying my nudes as Edvard Munch's The Scream, and Sotheby's now claim I owe them 120 million dollars. Anyway, here's what's new in PC games this week.
On Monday March 31st, a choice of yeeting yourself over London's skyline in STORROR Parkour Pro, or solving physics puzzles aboard a solarpunk starship in Space Sprouts. On Tuesday 1st April, the release of melancholy magical forest adventure Koira. On Wednesday 2nd April, please ready your wits for moody scenery-painter LiDAR Exploration Program and Wargaming's free-to-play mech-botherer Steel Hunters (pictured in header). On Thursday 3rd April, please gird your loins for sprawling murder-fable The Last Of Us Part II Remastered and emoji Death Star shmupper Shooper Nova. And on Friday 4th April, a choice of 40-minute 4xing in Hyper Empire, big map tower defence in Gnomes, deck-building auto-battling in Commander Quest, and door-kicking squad-wrangling in the free SWAT Commander Prologue.
There's another game I should have included here? Yeah, that's just what I thought you'd say, you scurvy disgrace. Put it in the comments thread, why don't you, and we might mention it in our latest weekly news liveblog. Have a good week, and be sure to click on some ads while you're here, eh? Those Sotheby's people aren't backing down.
Path of Exile 2 has received another patch, which means another wall of patch notes. I think if you rearrange the words you can spell out several Charles Dickens novels, with enough words leftover to paraphrase Bertrand Russell's History Of Western Philosophy.
US games industry lobby group the Entertainment Software Association are predictably Not Keen on the Trump presidency's tariffs. Via Game File, they say the new levies "are going to have a real and detrimental impact on the video game industry."
– Edwin Evans-Thirlwell
FREAKY FRIDAY
Plasma armour is charged! Even though the USB cable has been playing up and sometimes appears to be sucking electricity out of the battery. FEED THE MAW.
– Edwin Evans-Thirlwell
Elden Ring Nightreign is getting character trailers now apparently, and for the first time in any game ever it looks like playing with a bow and arrow might actually be kind of fun.
– Oisin Kuhnke
Mechabellum is getting new Titan-class units together with cosmetics and balancing adjustments. This is terrible news inasmuch as Nic will start hounding us all to play it again.
– Edwin Evans-Thirlwell
The Darkest Files is a Nazi prosecute 'em up with a demo on Steam. Gotta be one of my all time fave 'em ups, that.
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– Nic Reuben
Solar-system-sized 4X Terra Invicta has been majorly updated with new ship hulls and exofighters, diplomacy features and character traits, national priorities and regional development options.
– Edwin Evans-Thirlwell
Slitherine's early access tactical dogfighting sim Scramble: Battle of Britain now has multiplayer. I had missed this one. Seems fun?
SeekerX says: Oh, Lord. Last year as an April Fool's lark, Palworld developers Pocketpair announced a fake game. This year, they're announcing that actually it's no longer a joke: Pal♡world! ~More Than Just Pals, the dating sim spinoff will actually release... on April 1st next year, just to sow a bit more uncertainty as to whether this is real. This is a whole new category of doing what Nintendon't: monsterfucking. Pal♡world! ~More Than Just Pals
Here's the next thing from Stray Gods developers Summerfall: a deckbuilding exorcism roguelite called Malys.
– Edwin Evans-Thirlwell
THAWSDAY: RAGNAROK
The Maw is the world and the world is the Maw. FEED IT.
– Edwin Evans-Thirlwell
Croc Legend of the Gobbos is now available on GOG. I'm not especially nostalgic for the game, though am I nostalgic for that lack of semi colons.
– Nic Reuben
Here's a leaked presentation for an abandoned ZA/UM Disco Elysium successor project that would have cast you as Cuno and Cunoesse, two splendidly evil children.
An update for InZoi to stop your Zois dying young. How rude of them.
– Edwin Evans-Thirlwell
WILD WILD WEDNESDAY
WikiwikiwikiwikiwEED THE MAW.
– Edwin Evans-Thirlwell
The Third Pig is a free, short horror inspired by the fairy tale, with fixed camera angles, tank controls, and a "Silent Hill inspired inventory system".
– Nic Reuben
The Mosquito Gang is an asymmetrical multiplayer game in which one player is a regular-sized man cleaning up a filthy house, and the others are insects trying to suck his blood for upgrades. Who do you relate to more?
– Edwin Evans-Thirlwell
I'm not sure how "Sekiro with guns" Samurai Unicorn made its way on to my wishlist, and I get the feeling I'm late to the party, but it undoubtedly a thing that exists and you might find interesting. Am I doing the Maw right, Edwin?
Eidos Montreal are laying off 75 people because "we don’t have the capacity to entirely reallocate them to our other ongoing projects and services."
– Edwin Evans-Thirlwell
Pocketpair community manager John "Bucky" Buckley has spoken to Gamesradar a little about how the Palworld studio responded to player accusations of ripping off Pokemon and using AI generation for creature designs. "There's a core amount of people now that'll just always believe it no matter what because it serves their interest, basically," he said.
– Edwin Evans-Thirlwell
D&D company Wizards Of The Coast have apologised for "mistakenly" sending a DMCA takedown notice to the creator of a Baldur's Gate 3 Stardew Valley mod, as reported by Parsnip Gamer. Larian CEO Swen Vincke was among those who called foul, commenting that mods like this "shouldn't be treated like commercial ventures that infringe on your property".
– Edwin Evans-Thirlwell
Today is April Fool's day, also known as Liar's Day. We must proceed cautiously.
– Edwin Evans-Thirlwell
TUESDAYS WITH MAWRIE
This was Jack Lemmon's final TV role, apparently. I loved him in The Great Race. Nonetheless, we must FEED THE MAW.
A space traffic controller simulation? In which you admit or refuse ships to preserve a balance of resources aboard your starbase in the middle of a cosmic war? This also will do, Delos.
– Edwin Evans-Thirlwell
A medieval deck-builder in which you use Tarot cards to heal "bizarre villagers"? In which you are a "barber surgeon"? That'll do, Bloodletter.
– Edwin Evans-Thirlwell
Satisfactory is getting another big update with a photo mode, autoconnecting blueprints and branching hypertube networks, amongst other things. Why this lust for post-1.0 enhancement, Satisfactory? You were already quite satisfactory enough! Please learn to love your limits.
If you're still pining for the irradiated wastelands after S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2, MMO FPS Pioner (sic) may scratch that itch. I would probably avoid scratching yourself in an irradiated wasteland, mind you. This trailer's from a while back - I don't believe we've covered it before.
